Down on the Farm
by EE's Skysong
Summary: The Acolytes try to conquer a farm. The Xmen try to stop them. Insanity ensues. Weird, random, and completely plotless. R&R!


Disclaimer"We'll make him an offer he can't refuse." "Like naked dancing women?"

(An: Random plotbunny alert! This is one of those things that popped out of nowhere and won't leave me alone. Fun fun all around. When I say the X-team, I refer to the original team, no newbies. Simpler that way. And the farm is in Wisconsin, before anyone gets any bad ideas. I'm allowed to bash where I live.)

AT THE ACOLYTE BASE...

Magneto was sitting at his desk. Remy, Piotr, and John were sitting in chairs in front of said desk. Sabretooth was playing with a ball of yarn in the corner. Everyone was ignoring him in favor of Magneto, though. "Ok, Acolytes, new mission. We're going to conquer... a farm!"

"Why?" Remy asked immediately.

"Because it is the last thing Charles will be expecting! This farm makes a certain kind of brain-enhancing cheese which gives him his powers! We conquer this farm and Charles will be crippled! ...no pun intended."

Remy pulled a tape recorder out of his pocket. "February 1st, 2005: Magneto finally lost what was left of his IQ in accordance with his sanity. T'ings are lookin' bleak."

"Shut up," Magneto muttered. "Just go."

The Acolytes shrugged at each other (except for Sabes, he was busy, remember) and headed out to where Magneto kept his Evil Metal Transport Globes of Doom (which Mags had named himself and were usually referred to as EMTGDs)!

AT THE X-MANSION...

"He's tryin' to do what!" Rogue cried, sitting bolt upright.

"Magneto is attempting to take over a farm," the professor repeated. This was seriously giving him a headache. "There are lots of innocent cows on that farm that don't deserve to be harmed because of our feud."

Kurt laughed nervously. "Heh heh heh... don't you mean **people**, professor?"

The professor nodded. "Yes, a few of those too, but primarily cows."

"Um... ok," said Kitty.

"Now, go, my X-men, go!"

IN THE BLACKBIRD...

"Ah can't believe we're goin' to all this trouble to save a **farm**!" said Rogue, shaking her head.

"It's the professor's responsibility- and thus ours- to protect-" Scott began.

The other members of the X-team began to pelt him with various objects from around the jet- wheels, wrenches, Evan- until he collapsed into a heap, Evan clinging to his head like a non-slimy limpet.

"You can let go now, you know," Kitty informed him, inspecting her nails.

"Can't," Evan replied. "Too scared."

"Never tipped ya as bein' afraid of flyin', Porcupine," Rogue commented.

"Not that- Jean!"

True to form, Jean was going Pheonix on them- a.k.a. twitching, scowling, and generally looking very mad. "Evan James Daniels!" (1)

Kurt gasped. "She middle-named him!"

"His middle name is James?" Kitty cried.

"Release him **_NOW!_**" Jean cried in her Pheonix voice (2).

"Sorry..." Evan squeaked, clambering off Scott's head. However, he was the only thing holding Scott up, and he promptly fell over.

"**_AAARGH!_**"

"SHUT **UP**, JEAN!"

Up in the cockpit, Logan couldn't seem to decide whether to twitch or laugh. "God, these kids are nuts..."

"His middle name is James?" Ororo murmured.

AT THE FARM...

The EMTGDs landed, and in their usual Dramatic Entrance, the Acolytes stepped out, Terminator-esque. Most of them, anyway."Is it impossible t' make those t'ings a little bigger" asked Gambit, tumbling out in a most undiginified manner.

"You're an abberation," Magneto replied. "It's not my fault you're two inches tall than the rest of My Acolytes (tm)."

"Oh, _Dieu_, he trademarked it," Remy muttered. "We're doomed."

"By FiRe!"

"**No**, John, **not yet**!"

"Dammit! But there're just so many cows waiting to be made into tasty little burgers!"

Remy's retort was cut off by the landing of the Blackbird. "Oh, _merde._"

The X-men burst out, not nearly as dramatically as the Acolytes (that was what Magneto said, anyway), but unlike the Acolytes, none of them had been cramped in a EMTGD, so none of them had problems standing up straight. Rogue spotted Remy, who was trying to hide behind an EMTGD. "Oh, this is gonna be **fun**..."

"Eep..." Remy, seeing no other exit, dashed inside the barn.

The other Acolytes shrugged and followed suit. Gambit was the most survival-minded, so what he did was usually wise to copy.

"**Damn it**!" Magneto yelled, watching the last of his Acolytes, Sabretooth (who was having problems getting through the barn door), retreat. Then he straightened up. "Er. Right. My Acolytes (tm) have just changed the playing field a bit, so if you don't mind..."

The X-men (minus Jean and Scott, who were taking him seriously, of course) just rolled their eyes and pitched their usual arsenel at him: Kitty's wheel, Kurt's wrench, and Evan.

"DAMMIT! I AM NOT A THROWING STAR!"

"You've got the spikes, Porcupine," Rogue retorted. "The only thing you need work on is your silence."

During that, the Acolytes were investigating their new sanctum sanctorum. "Boy, this ain't much of a place," John muttered.

"Hey!" cried a pissed off voice. "This barn cost me my life savings!"

"Then y' need t' steal some more savings, _mon ami,_" Remy responded.

"There y'all are!" Rogue cried, standing in the front of the X-men, refusing to take her cheesy pose (tm).

"Oh **shit**!" cried all of the Acolytes in unison.

"Yeah, yer got yer bad language quotient right there, ayuh," said the farm guy.

Rogue grabbed Evan and brandished him in a threatening manner.

Remy squeaked and dived behind a cow. However, he went sliding on a pile of manure, and slammed headfirst into a metal feed-trough-doohickey. He accidentally charged the straw, and jerked his hand back just in time to avoid it getting eaten along with said straw.

**BOOM!**

Everyone stopped. "Dude... you blew up my cow!" cried the farm guy. Thankfully, the bits of said cow were too small to make much of a splat. Nevertheless, it was disgusting. But the guy didn't seem to be bothered by that.

"Um... oops?" said Gambit sheepishly.

"My cow!" the farm guy repeated, falling to his knees. "My beautiful cow!"

"Dude, you do realize you've got like sixty more just like it," said Evan, wiggling out of Rogue's grip.

"But it's my **cow**! Do you know what the penalty is for blowing up a man's cow is in this state!" he yelled, directed at Remy.

"...Death?"

The cow guy looked shocked. "This isn't **Texas**, son!" he responded. "But I'm sure it's a stiff fine"

Remy twitched.

"Is he allowed to insult Texas?" Rogue whispered to Logan.

"If he's from the South, yes. If not, no."

"Oh. Ok. So what do we do to him?"

"How do you know he's not from the South?" Kurt asked.

"He's from **Wisconsin** and he runs a **farm**. You expect travel outside of the state? You're crazy," said Logan. (3)

"You know I can hear you, right?" snapped the farmer.

"Should we hurt him?" Rogue repeated.

"No, he's just an idiot," Logan responded.

"ARGH! Who are you people anyway!"

Scott stepped up, recovered from having various stuff thrown at him. "We are- the X-men!"

And Magneto, also recovered from having stuff pitched at him, stepped- er, floated up as well. "And these are- My Acolytes (tm)!"

"...Am I supposed to know who you are?"

"We were all over the news!"

"In New York, ayuh, mebbe," agreed the farm guy, "or wherever you guys came from. But I figger by yer accents you're from New York."

"I keep forgetting this is Wisconsin," Magneto muttered. "What was I thinking? My Acolytes- (tm)- are a group of elite mutant terrorists."

The farm guy eyed Pyro, who was completely unattached to the situation and playing hangman with Jason in fire, Sabretooth, who had pulled out his travel yarn and was playing with it, and Gambit, who was covered in manure and looking utterly disgusted. He raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry," said Rogue, "nobody takes him seriously in that respect."

"And we are the X-men!" Scott cried, but he quickly had duct tape slapped over his mouth.

"Good thing you had some duct tape, or we never would've gotten him to shut up," said Kurt.

The farm guy shrugged. "What do you lot want with my farm, anyway?"

"THE CHEESE!" Magneto cried, sticking his finger in the air.

The farm guy's eyes bugged out. "You mean the cheese we make... here?"

"Yes, you idiot, yes!"

"You mean... this cheese?" The farm guy held up a nondescript piece of orange cheese. "But it's just... cheddar."

"No, it's brain enhancing cheddar!"

The farm guy inspected his cheese. "It is? Fancy that. So what- do you want to buy some, or do you want to completely erradicate the source?"

"That would be option b, thank you."

The farm guy rolled his eyes. "Another day, another whackadoo." He pressed a giant red button on the wall. The walls, windows, and any other means of exit immediately became reinforced steel. "This has happened before, see."

"Damn," said Logan. "Not even enough time for an Indiana Jones reference."

"There used to be," the farm guy agreed, "but then it got really annoying because people kept humming the theme whenever they came over."

"...What now?" Piotr asked, the only Acolyte who was actually paying attention.

Magneto rolled his eyes. "Has everyone completely forgotten my power?" He gestured and the blocks came rolling up.

"Oh, damn, never figured on a metal guy," said the farm guy. "Please- don't leave. Nothing is worse than being alone on the night one's cow has exploded!"

The only response was the spinning of a dog food bowl as the X-men and Acolytes dashed out.

(Well... that was weird... and short. -shrug- Review!)

(1) Don't know if that's really his middle name...

(2) It's an X-band joke- the Pheonix talks in bold and italics.

(3) This is very, very true. At least in Neillsville.


End file.
